I often hear people casually talk about whether they or others deserve this or that: whether we deserve a sweet treat or takeaway depending on how much exercise or dieting we have done, whether we deserve a break, rest or a holiday depending on how hard we have worked; whether we deserve something good or bad depending on how we have behaved.

“Deserving” framed in this way then often seems less like a fact and more like a judgement. It becomes a conditional measure of whether we are acceptable based on our behaviour, values or circumstances. 

It can also create a hopeful but unrealistic expectation for the future, using the logic of justice or fairness that does not always reflect how life works. For example, the belief that after experiencing a great deal of tragedy or hardship, good times are certain because they are “well deserved”.

Whether this way of thinking then becomes what we could describe as a black-and-white thinking error, idealisation, or an unspoken rule for life, we can see how relying on this idea as a philosophy, or a way of offering comfort, reassurance, or even just something we say casually, can be risky.

Compassion begins with a different question: how do we understand ourselves and others as fallible human beings, shaped by past experiences, varying beliefs, wants, needs and goals, and what has happened to us?

When we can subtly adapt our thinking in this way, “deserving” in the sense of what we vow to give ourselves in order to survive, heal, and meet our needs, becomes a more helpful form of entitlement. The personal entitlement to self-care and self-respect. Not because we have done something or have been “good enough” to earn it, but simply because we care enough about us, to look after ourselves in a world that can be harsh.

© 2026 Lorraine Welch. All rights reserved